If a loved one has dementia, they may ask questions that are difficult to answer truthfully, without causing distress. In these situations, the dilemma is how to respond, is it acceptable to lie – ever? Or should we tell the truth – always? The response could affect how the person feels and behaves and there’s the impact on you, the person providing the answers, potentially worried your response may damage a relationship that is already strained. 

In these circumstances dementia experts often recommend a technique called Therapeutic Fibbing. This is when you tell a fib or bend truth to fit the reality of a person who has dementia, because their brain may experience a different version of reality. This technique helps step into the persons current reality and spare them unnecessary upset and distress. 

This approach can take some getting used to as it feels like you are lying to someone you love. Try to focus on the outcome you want from your response, for your loved one to feel safe and comforted. Using white lies tin this way to validate their feelings and provide reassurance is very different from lying for a malicious reason. It may help to think about this approach similar to telling a friend that you love the thoughtful gift they gave you, even if you don’t actually like it. Telling the absolute truth in that case doesn’t change the situation and would only hurt your friends’ feelings.

Here is a scenario to illustrate the difference between being completely truthful and using the therapeutic fibbing technique.

Person with dementia  – I need to go to work now, I am already late.

The truth – You don’t have a job, you retired 20 years ago. Remember you have Alzheimer’s now, stop trying to go out.

Therapeutic fibbing – That’s right, I almost forgot. We can’t have you going off without a good breakfast. Don’t worry you have plenty of time, I forget to change the clock after the time change.

Although every case needs taking individually, there are some guiding principles that can be applied, they include:

• Respond with compassion.

• Try to understand and acknowledge the person’s feelings.

• Seek to reduce distress and promote wellbeing or happiness. 

If you spend time with someone who has dementia and find yourself being asked difficult questions you can find further guidance and information from Alzheimer’s Society.

Source Alzheimer’s Society, Dementia Friends